Humour on the Internet

One of the best stress relievers of modern everyday life is humour and judging by the pace of modern life nowadays, lots of it. It can come in many forms, some brilliant whilst some, can be just plain absurd that you can’t help but smile at the absurdity of it all.

Jokes used to get passed around either at parties or gatherings or even at clubs where stand-up comedy is the fare. But with the advent of the Internet, jokes nowadays get a bigger audience as they get passed on from one email account to another, where most often than not they number in the thousands.

The thing is, as is via the Internet, no-one actually knows for certain where the joke originated from. But as with all things intended to be humorous, it depends whether the audience ‘get’ the joke or otherwise. Afterall, despite this being the age of globalization, humour can still be classified as either localized or general, depending on the subject matter. A bit like anaesthetic that.

Some choice selections :-

Albert Einstein they are not. Definitely.
(source : wikipedia.org)

Math was so easy until they decided to mix the alphabets in it.

A re-tweet from my son who is in college, describing his love-hate relationship with the subject.

In school, 2+2=4. For homework, 2+4+2=8. In the examination hall, Joe has 4 apples and his train is 7 minutes late. Calculate the radius of the sun.

Another re-tweet from my son, reinforcing my son’s love-hate relationship with Maths. But then again, he has a point here. What has apples and a train got to do with the radius of the Sun? Duh!?

 

Valeri Bertinelli aka Melanie Moretti of ‘Hot in Cleveland’
(source ; wikipedia.org)

 

Saying something stupid and thinking, ‘Yeah, that sounded way better in my head’. 

Remember Melanie from ‘Hot in Cleveland’? That look of Melanie was just divine.

 

 

Malaysian-born (Tan Sri) Tony Fernandes is credited with making air travel easily available to all Malaysians and since then, Thais, Indonesians and others, amongst others, via his budget no-frills airline, Air Asia.

Tab Sri Tony Fernandes
(source : wikipedia.org)

It was so successful that the Air Asia group expanded to include Air Asia Indonesia, Air Asia Thailand and Air Asia X (intercontinental flights). Not stopping at budget no-frills air travel, he has expanded his business interest to include hospitality (in the shape of Tune Hotels, where the only fixed rate is that of the room and others are additional), as well as mobile telecommunications.

Being a successful businessman, he has of course his fair share of detractors (maybe slightly more) and is easy fodder for the stand-up comedians, especially when the motto for his Air Asia budget airline is “Now everyone can fly’. An example :-

Arriving in a hotel in KL Sentral, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, “That will be one Ringgit please, Uncle Tony.”

Somewhat taken aback, Uncle Tony replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.

“Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition”, said the barman. “And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest draught in Asia “

“That is remarkable value” Uncle Tony commented.

“I see you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Ringgit please.”

Uncle Tony scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

“Ah, you want to sit down?” said the barman. “That’ll be an extra 2 Ringgit. You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Ringgit”

“I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please?”

Uncle Tony attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can’t squeeze in, he complains “Nobody would fit in that little frame”.
“I’m afraid if you can’t fit in the frame you’ll have to pay an extra surcharge of RM 4 for your seat sir”

Uncle Tony swore to himself, but paid up.

“I see that you have brought your laptop with you” added the barman. “And since that wasn’t pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Ringgit”

Uncle Tony was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, “This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager”.

“Ah, I see you want to use the counter,” says the barman, “that will be 2 Ringgit please.” Uncle Tony’s face was red with rage.

“Do you know who I am?”

“Of course I do, Your name is Tan Sri Tony Fernandes”

“I’ve had enough. What sort of Bar is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!”

“Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 very morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free,until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 sen per second provided you use Tune Talk. Using other mobile carriers would incur our normal charge of 30 Sen per second.”

“I will never use this bar again”

“OK Uncle , but remember, we are the only bar in Asia selling pints for one Ringgit…so that now everyone can drink “

See what the poor man has got to put up with? And since he had just bought into Queen’s Park Rangers (QPR), a soccer team playing in the English Premier League, he can expect more jokes coming his way.

My gang has been together for the last forty years and many a joke has been passed around among the group.But when the gang approached the magical age of 50, the following joke made its appearance and if you are over 50 (over the hill as we say!) then read carefully.If not then just enjoy it till you hit 50.

What can I say?
(source : hichabitatfelicitas.typepad.com)

You know you are at least 50 or are over 60 and heading towards 70 when :-

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way…
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex BUT not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, NO MATTER who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

There are many more which I could count as amongst my favourites, many of them since the advent of the Net. But the pick of the bunch had to be the following :-

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was timid looking and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the timid looking one, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, ‘You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.’

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

‘Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

‘Now take off my skirt.’ He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

‘Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, ‘If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.’

Not one and I repeat, not one of the gang saw that coming. A real gem of a joke and one that could easily lit up your day. Humour at its best.

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